Chew on this

Just returned from Florida after taking my son and nephew to Disney World. It was a fantastic trip. But here’s something odd. Did you know that you cannot buy chewing gum at the Orlando airport? Neither did I!

We’re heading for the departure gate and my sister says, “Hey, let’s get some gum for the plane.” I say: “Hey sis, great idea.” OK, I didn’t say the “Hey sis” part. But I did want to get some gum because it helps when the plane is taking off or landing and my ears start to hurt.

So I go into this ridiculously crowded shop that is full of candy, chocolate, books, drinks, etc. But I can’t find any chewing gum anywhere. So I ask the cashier.

“No gum,” she snaps.

Um, OK. I try to ask where I can find some.

“No gum! No gum!!” she barks, sounding eerily like the Soup Nazi.

Still, I press on.

“Is there anywhere I can get some gum?” I ask.

“No!”

“Not anywhere in the airport?”

“No! Not in the whole airport!”

Now, I want to ask why. But I’m afraid to even utter the word “gum” again. Everyone is glowering at me, as though I’ve just asked for the most unreasonable contraband imaginable, like endangered Siberian tiger testicles or something. I’m expecting to feel an elbow in my ribs and a voice hissing urgently: “Let it go. Let it go, you fool. Walk away!”

Everyone seems nervous and jumpy. But still, no one explains why gum is taboo.

So I leave and go into another shop.

Nope, no gum there either.

“No gum! No gum!” shrieks the woman at the counter, again without explanation.

Did I somehow enter the Twilight Zone? I feel like I’m in one of those cheesy old horror movies where some clueless outsiders stumble into a quaint little village in New England. All is cheery and pleasant until they ask about the old McAllister place on the hill and then everyone starts slamming shutters in their faces.

I find my sister and tell her about my unsuccessful quest. She reports a similar experience. Probably part of those new security measures, like the no gels, no liquids thing, she suggests. Still, I’m surprised gum would be among the banned items. What do they think I’m going to do with it? Chew up a huge wad of explosive Juicy Fruit and spit it into the cockpit? Do I look like MacGyver?

After returning home, I check the Internet to see if gum is on the list of banned items on flights. It’s not. So what gives?

Further research reveals the airport in Orlando legally prohibits the sale of gum. No store in the airport can sell it. Why? Because they are afraid people will spit it onto their carpets. That’s it. There's no great explosive chewing gum plot. Just their way of keeping the carpets clean. Could they not just say so? How about a sign? Sheesh.