You're so far away ... thank God

So I’m going to introduce you to some of the duds I’ve subjected myself to over the past several months. And just for the record, I’m not making any of this up. These are all actual people, from actual dates I've had. I'm not kidding. Believe me, I wish I were.

First of all, Ms. Faraway Photo. Yes, I should have known there was a reason why the photo was taken from 12 feet away. And why she’s wearing a big hat and has her head tilted in such a way that you can’t really see her face. But she seems, well, OK. And she definitely has me interested with her flirty, suggestive e-mail messages. She’s articulate and seems to have a pretty good job. She’s a bit older than I’d prefer but not that much older. So we meet.

First of all, what the heck is with her teeth? There’s a big one in front that’s almost sideways, crossing over the one next to it. What’s that called? Snaggle-Tooth? I don’t want to look her in the face because I can’t help staring at those weird teeth.

We have coffee but not much time because she has to be somewhere and so do I (thank God.) So she stands up, and so do I. Her profile said she was 5-foot-7. I’m 5-6, barely, and I can see the top of her head. The top, as in the part in her hair. There’s no way she’s ever gonna be 5-7. Not even in stilettos. Why on earth would she lie about her height? Didn’t she think I’d notice? I mean, it’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?

We say goodbye and she gives me this limp, dead fish handshake. Ewwwww. Next.